A small step and a giant leap

I want to get better at getting better. I know a statement like that has all the opacity of the melange of self-help quotations that haunt Facebook or Instagram. But let me explain.

For a long time, I have looked at my own character and ran straight from light critique into a verdict of guilty. When something went wrong and I failed to live up to my (very high) expectations of myself, I relentlessly beat myself up until I had developed an arsenal of condemnatory phrases that I wheeled out at any given opportunity. Slowly but surely, my expectations of myself started to decline, but the self-critique actually became even more ferocious.

I stopped being able to do the simplest of tasks, because if I couldn’t change the filter in a water jug, what exactly was the point of me. My studies also suffered because I would rather do shoddy work at the last minute than disappoint myself again. I don’t really want to talk about all the *other* acts of self-destruction that often followed.

So, this blog is an attempt to reflect upon my progress but within both achievable and positive parameters. I want to spend 20 minutes a day putting pen to paper. I am not aiming for perfection. I only have two goals. The first, that this becomes a part of a daily routine, a chance to practice writing my thoughts down in a short period of time (exam preparation yuk). The second, that even if I don’t achieve other ambitions in a day, I have a small, qualified success to fall back on.

And maybe, this way of talking to myself, this practice of moderating the way I think will seep into other aspects of my life. It wont suddenly quiet the screaming abusive voice inside my head. But over time, I hope I will be handed some earmuffs.

Cats will be heavily featured…

Global Encounters

Running down the steps in Cambridge Station to reach the 7.44 to Kings Cross, I hurtled into a student who was patiently waiting in front of the doors. As we sat down across from each other on the near empty carriage, he introduced himself as a resident of Tokyo, on a visit to friends in Kings College. I really hadn’t expected to have such a fascinating conversation on a train.

Interspersed between the exchanging of cat pictures, we both told a little of our family histories, which turned out to be intertwined in an unexpected way. A several times great grandfather had served in the Japanese Navy in the last years of the 19th century. Stationed in Portsmouth for training, he had struck up a friendship with an Englishman who had given him a tea-set and crockery in exchange for a samurai sword (an item I was told, the family had in abundance). Although he was subjected to some truly revolting navy rations, he recorded in his diary that he had tried the ‘quintessentially English’ dish; Fish and Chips.

Now I was naturally delighted by this vivid image of adventure and culture shock, and slightly envious when I made the comparison to my own potato eating shtetl dwelling ancestors. But then I reminded myself that my family had a stake in the dish that he found so surprisingly oily. This was of course because fish and chips has a Jewish lineage, emerging from the fried fish dish brought over by Eastern European immigrants.

So there I was, a British Jew looking across from a Japanese man hailing from half-way round the world. Besides a mutual love of cats, I hadn’t thought we had much in common. And yes, we now have each other on Facebook, a sign of our very globalised times. But our worlds were never separate. It just took a faltering conversation on a late-night train to remind us.