I want to get better at getting better. I know a statement like that has all the opacity of the melange of self-help quotations that haunt Facebook or Instagram. But let me explain.
For a long time, I have looked at my own character and ran straight from light critique into a verdict of guilty. When something went wrong and I failed to live up to my (very high) expectations of myself, I relentlessly beat myself up until I had developed an arsenal of condemnatory phrases that I wheeled out at any given opportunity. Slowly but surely, my expectations of myself started to decline, but the self-critique actually became even more ferocious.
I stopped being able to do the simplest of tasks, because if I couldn’t change the filter in a water jug, what exactly was the point of me. My studies also suffered because I would rather do shoddy work at the last minute than disappoint myself again. I don’t really want to talk about all the *other* acts of self-destruction that often followed.
So, this blog is an attempt to reflect upon my progress but within both achievable and positive parameters. I want to spend 20 minutes a day putting pen to paper. I am not aiming for perfection. I only have two goals. The first, that this becomes a part of a daily routine, a chance to practice writing my thoughts down in a short period of time (exam preparation yuk). The second, that even if I don’t achieve other ambitions in a day, I have a small, qualified success to fall back on.
And maybe, this way of talking to myself, this practice of moderating the way I think will seep into other aspects of my life. It wont suddenly quiet the screaming abusive voice inside my head. But over time, I hope I will be handed some earmuffs.